In memory of my late wife,
Doris Lau, who was called to the Lord in April 2014
Often marriages are put
to the test when couples are confronted with financial problems or if a spouse
is stricken with chronic illnesses. All
marriage will go through good and bad times.
But if couples stick to one another during those rough times, the
relationship will improve steadily as time goes by.
I was a caregiver to my
late wife, Doris Lau who was stricken with schizophrenia at the tender age of
17. My wife passed away 3 years ago after she lost the battle to
pneumonia.
Be
mindful of the symptoms of schizophrenia
Coping with the symptoms
of schizophrenia can be extremely difficult for family members who remember how
active a person was before he/she became ill.
This illness is terrifying because it is unpredictable. After caring for Doris for 40 years, I became
more alert to the warning signs of schizophrenia.
A
reason to love, a reason to marry
Many people find it very
hard to believe that I married Doris despite her mental illness.
So why did I marry
Doris?
Unlike the many girls
that I dated, Doris was very down-to-earth.
I found her to be sincere and caring.
This was the woman that would change my life –dramatically.
I told myself that the woman
I marry, whoever she is, I will love forever.
I believe that Doris are I were fated to be husband and wife. She was born on All Saints' Day and I am born
on Valentine's Day. Undoubtedly, Good
Friday has special significance to both my wife and I. By some strange coincidence, 12th April 1974
was the day that I first met my wife.
And it happened to be on Good Friday.
And though it was an arduous and painful
journey for me to manage my wife's dreaded schizophrenia for more than three
decades, I often draw my strength and compassion from Jesus. Can you imagine what will happen to Doris if
she had married the wrong man?
My wife had a total of
five illnesses, including schizophrenia, arthritis, diabetes, high cholesterol
and incontinence. Being the sole
caregiver to my wife for more 4 decades was no easy feat and I suffered burnout
so many times.
Memories
are made of this
But strange as it may
seem, I had grown to love Doris more and more as I saw her struggle with so
many illnesses. And it was such a joy
for me to see my wife enjoy life to the fullest despite the suffering that she
had to go through.
As we celebrated our
wedding anniversaries through our 40 years of blissful union, I recollect the
scenes when I took my marriage vows in 1972 when we got married.
"Will
you Raymond Anthony Fernando take Doris Lau Siew Lang to be your wedded wife,
to live together in the estate of matrimony?
Will you love her, honour her, comfort her, and keep her in sickness and
in health, forsaking all others, be true to her as long as you both shall
live?"
These marriage vows and
my Catholic teachings had given me the strength and courage to love and care
for my wife despite the arduous journey of being her sole caregiver. And when you are looking after a loved one
with mental illness, you must be prepared to walk alone in the dark because
there is still so much discrimination and prejudice against the mentally
ill. That's the bad news.
But the good news is that
through my love, encouragement and support, I had managed to turn Doris into an
author of not one, but 8 books. This is
a remarkable achievement for someone suffering from a serious mental disorder.
Through the many talks
that I have given, I have always mentioned that people with mental illness just
need one person to love them and with medication, they will recover.
Love
conquers all
During the SARS outbreak
in 2003, Doris suffered her 10th relapse.
It was another very difficult period in my life. I had no choice but to admit Doris into the Institute
of Mental Health (IMH), but at the back of my mind, I feared that the
government in wanting to stop the spread of SARS , would close all doors for
hospital visits.
Two days after Doris was
admitted to hospital, the Ministry of Health (MOH) imposed the no-visitors
ruling at all public hospitals and I could not visit my wife for one solid
month. Doris was shattered, I was shattered.
My heart was torn apart.
Usually I would visit
Doris every day and spend as much time as I could with her as emotional support
plays a big part in her recovery. This
time around, the picture was totally different.
My wife's biggest fear became a reality.
In her disoriented state, Doris "believed" that I had
abandoned her. Left her for another
woman.
After one month, through
several appeals, I managed to see my wife.
When I saw her from a distance, I ran as fast as I could. I tripped and
fell. My knees were badly bruised, but I did not feel any pain because when I
spotted Doris, all pain -- physical and emotional seemed to go away. Indeed, love conquers all.
When Doris returned for
home leave 4 weeks later, she was still not out of the woods. She had to
continue her ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) and she was only 50%
recovered. It was close to our 29th
anniversary and I wrote her a poem entitled "Ring
on your finger" framed it on an A1
size poster and mounted it on the wall.
The moment she saw it, her eyes lit up and so did her heart. She kept
reading the poem, over and over again, until it brought about her total
recovery. She hugged me and told me,
that the delusion that I had abandoned her was not true and I really loved her. Once again, the healing power of love
reunited us.
Raymond Anthony Fernando
Ring on your finger
A
poetic tribute to my lovely wife, the late Doris Lau Siew Lang
My Dearest Doris,
It was
placed on your finger many years ago
That
wedding ring now in our home, still glows
Though
you are safe with God, my love for you, Doris, continues to flow
This,
I am sure, my love, you already know
The
colour gold of the ring reminds me of how pretty you are
Your
inner beauty that is sparkling like an evening star
The
shape of the ring
Reminds
me of one thing
You have
carved our destiny
Through
happy times, and amid uncertainty
The
ring bears my name
It
remains the same
The
words have not faded
And
our love has been upgraded
It
reminds me that I will always belong to, Doris
It is
a documented promise
The
ring stood out on your finger that was so tender
It
reminded me of how fragile you are
This
ring on your finger reminded me that we have come this far
You
will always have a place deep in my heart Doris, my eternal partner
And
even if I have to start life all over again,
I will
still choose you, Doris
And no
other
Sincerely,
Raymond Anthony Fernando
©
copyrightraymondfernando2014
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