Love Story: Giving unconditional love even after wife passes away battling schizophrenia

Folks,

Do find time to read my love story and my caregiving journey 4 times over here on the STOMP Valentine’s Day Contest 2018. I celebrate my 68^th birthday next month – on Valentine’s Day😊

Love Story: Giving unconditional love even after wife passes away battling schizophrenia

It's not easy to lose someone you love, but it is even harder to solider on and continue showing love to others.

67-year-old Raymond Anthony Fernando had to fill many hats and take on multiple caregiver roles ever since his wife had passed away.

He had loved and taken care of his wife, Doris Lau, who battled schizophrenia for four decades before passing on.

Despite this, he had to still on three other caregiving roles for his relatives, including his late sister Veronica who battle depression before her untimely passing in January of last year.

He said, " I am now simultaneously taking care and providing unconditional love to my twin brother Roy Peter who has to cope with depression and has severe mobility problems as well as my 95-year-old mother who resides in a nursing home, just like my twin brother."

"One thing I have learnt through the caregiving journeys is that when we give that much-needed support, love and care to another human being, the smiles on the care recipients is a joy that is indescribable," added Raymond.

To Raymond, he calls children "the biggest adventure on Earth".

His late wife and him had adored children and although they did not have any children of his own, it did not stop them from loving other parents' kids.

Raymond said:

"Doris and I played babysitter to Celia Chua (now 12 years-old) when she was born for a one-year period and we continued to give love and care to children of our friends. Kids are so adorable and just like pets are non-judgmental; they just know how to shower us with love.

"And when you are able to give love to children, they will come to you naturally."

To Raymond, providing unconditional love also means reaching out to the less fortunate in society, abandoned children, persons struggling with mental health issues and the elderly sick,

"I have always believed that when we have skills that can benefit society, share it. So, having gained much from taking care of my late wife who recovered from schizophrenia, I go all over Singapore conducting motivational talks on how to manage mental illness," said Raymond.

He intends to visit some of our ASEAN neighbours in the Philippines, Malaysia and Indonesia to educate its citizens on schizophrenia and depression.  

He also plans to visit an orphanage in the Philippines to spend some time teaching English to the kids there as education is so important for children.

A recent video produced by a good friend of his – Fauzi, provides insightful peeks into his life as he celebrates my 68th birthday on 14th February 2018.

Poem: Across the bridge

 

My Dearest Doris,

 

40 years ago, I took you as my bride 

I have enjoyed looking after you – with much pride

I have always been by your side

In good times, and in bad

In happy times, and moments when you were sad

 

Your six chronic illnesses made you struggle through the years

You had so much fears and shed lots of tears

There were periods when you cried out – defeat

But I helped lift you up, even though it was no easy feat

 

Just when together, we won the battle with your schizophrenia

You lost out to the deadly pneumonia

You left me so suddenly, for death came furious and fast

But my undying love for you, Doris will forever last

 

Across the bridge, there will be sunshine and happiness

Across the bridge, my love for you will forever come first

In our home, I’ll treasure what you found comfort in – soft toy cute bears

Remember my family and close friends for you, we still care

I pledge to love you more and more each day, Doris

And that in every sense of the word is a documented promise

Where you are, my love, watch over me, as in my heart, in our home

You will always stay; you will always have a place

This Valentine’s Day as with many others

You are pictured in my mind, with so much grace

 

With all my love,

Ray

 

http://stomp.straitstimes.com/love-story-giving-unconditional-love-even-after-wife-passes-away-battling-schizophrenia

 

Footnote: There are a total of 11 photographs that accompanies my article

 

 

Raymond A Fernando’s press letter to The Sunday Times: Empower IMH to do more for mentally ill residents

Dear all,

Do find time from your busy schedule to read my press letter, but first let me raise some relevant points.

 

Mental illness is spreading – far and wide. In Malaysia, there are less than 400 psychiatrists to treat 4 million psychiatric patients. In the Philippines, a Senator there revealed that in 2015, everyday 7 Filipinos commit suicide. In Indonesia too, there are so many citizens suffering from mental illness and due to ignorance, some of their mentally ill citizens are caged up.  I intend to visit these ASEAN countries to  educate their citizens and the authorities on schizophrenia and depression.  

 

God has given me this mission to fulfil (Be of service to mankind) so even though I face huge obstacles in wanting to educate as many people as I can, I just can’t sit there and do nothing.

 

I tried very hard to educate the residents island-wide through the 5 Mayors in Singapore on the advice of ESM Goh Chok Tong, but was unsuccessful as none responded.

 

MSF Minister Desmond Lee has called on the public to report cases of abuse when he spoke in Parliament on the cruel treatment of the late Annie Ee. But the reality is that unlike the early years in Singapore, neighbours in the heartlands these days do not mix freely. Added to that no one wants to get involved with mental patients as they are shunned.

 

I urge MSF to work closely with MOH and its partners who include IMH and the VWOs in the mental healthcare industry and the grassroots leaders for the best results. It is far better for the residents to notify the grassroots leaders on abuse cases who should then bring the matter up to their respective MP who can then tie up with the authorities.

 

Raymond A Fernando’s press letter to The Sunday Times: Empower IMH to do more for mentally ill residents

 

My press letter to The Sunday Times on the above matter is published today, Sunday 14^th January 2018.

It is perfectly understandable that residents at Block 55, Lorong 5 Toa Payoh are worried about the bizarre behaviour displayed by their neighbour (Woman’s antics spark fear among neighbours; Jan 7).

She has been splashing corrosive liquids, flinging burning items over the parapet and shouting loudly in the mornings.

I believe that the woman has a mental health issue which has gone untreated.

People with severe mental disorders such as schizophrenia mistakenly believe that they have been charmed or possessed.

For those struggling with schizophrenia, religious delusions or intense religious-based irrational thinking may be a component of their symptoms.

The most commonly reported form of hallucination is auditory; involving hearing voices when no one is there.

In order for mental illnesses to be properly managed and controlled, it is vital that early treatment is given. Long delays can only make it more difficult for professionals to stabilise the patient.

The current system does not allow the community psychiatric department of the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) to step in to help if the individual is not a patient of the hospital.

That needs to change, as we are bound to see more cases like the one in Toa Payoh, given our fast ageing population.

It may become necessary for the woman to be given involuntary or assisted treatment, and for IMH to be empowered, under the Mental Capacity Act, to handle such cases.

 

Raymond Anthony Fernando

 

http://www.straitstimes.com/forum/letters-in-print/empower-imh-to-do-more-for-mentally-ill-residents

 

For information as well: Trailer: Raymond on podcast gives some insights into his life story.  This is only a trailer; the full podcast will be coming out soon.

https://www.facebook.com/fauzi.djauhari/videos/10216030709947041/

 

 

 

Raymond Anthony Fernando's letter to The Catholic News: Reaching out to the elderly sick

My letter to The Catholic News (Singapore) on the above matter, was published this weekend (in advance for 2st January 2018) on page. 

 There have been several reports of seniors dying all alone – both here in Singapore and in Japan in the Straits Times (ST).

That was followed by discussions, both in the media reports as well as in the ST’s Forum page as to whether assisted suicide or euthanasia should be an option given to caregivers of loved ones to end the suffering of their loved ones going through enormous pain from life-threatening illness.

One ST commentary (“A good life to the end, or a quick death” Saturday, December, 2017) mentioned that the Australian state of Victoria recently legalised assisted suicide that permitted a patient with a terminal illness with life expectancy of less than six months to obtain a lethal drug to commit suicide. 

The commentary also cited several other countries like Belgium, Netherlands, Canada, Columbia, Luxembourg and American states such as California, Washington, Vermont and Oregon that have passed laws that allowed assisted suicides.

As a born Catholic, I do not support assisted suicide or euthanasia, but am a firm believer in palliative care and the power of prayer which has been known to create miracles. 

God gave us life, and only God can take life away from us. It is not for man to play God.

Although death is a subject which many feel uncomfortable to talk about– just like mental illness – death is very much a part of living. We all have to accept that.

As Christians, we all understand that life here on earth is only temporary, for the really good life is in heaven and that is why we must follow closely the teachings of Jesu Christ and show kindness and compassion to one another irrespective of our status in society.

When children are born, parents make so much preparations for them, that includes joyful celebrations, setting aside money for their education and even opening up bank accounts for them.

Yet when it comes to the elderly sick, many of whom live all alone, how much support and advance planning do we put in to help them lead more meaningful lives?

So, let’s not avoid discussing about end-life issues, but be open to talk about dying, and how as Christian brothers and sisters, we can rally around one another to provide that ray of light in uncertainties that can come our way.

 

Raymond Anthony Fernando

Singapore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Opinion: Mandatory treatment order fair, good chance for M Ravi to redeem himself

Going to jail can be traumatic. Thus, I am glad that the judge passed down the Mandatory Treatment Order (MOT) in lieu of a prison term to human rights lawyer M Ravi.

It was wise on the part of M Ravi who has bipolar to apologise to the lawyers whom he has abused – physical and emotionally and as long as he complies with the MOT, he has an excellent chance to redeem himself and reintegrate into society

 

Generally, there is a wrong perception that all persons with mental illness are violent and are trouble makers. But this can only happen when they do not seek treatment or have defaulted on their medications and treatment, which includes counselling.

 

But with proper treatment, M Ravi can prove to the world that he can be a useful member of society as he has a brilliant mind and is well respected worldwide for his work as a human rights lawyer.

 

Having a job will enable those grappling with mental health issues to have a meaningful purpose in life, and to this end I am pleased that M Ravi has managed to secure employment with Carson Law Chambers through the support of former National Solidarity Party Secretary General Lim Tean who is also a lawyer.

 

RAYMOND ANTHONY FERNANDO

Opinion: 4th generation leaders must stay connected to the ground to win support: An open proposal to Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong and the cabinet

It is certainly not easy to select the next Prime Minister (PM) from the 4^th generation of ministers, and I do agree with Emeritus Senior Minister Goh Chok Tong that this is an urgent challenge that has to be met.

 

Unlike the first-generation leaders who had to tackle and manage several burning issues such as confrontation, communists, racial riots and union strikes, the present cohorts have not yet been fully tested nor have they experienced hardship.

 

With the immense global challenges and uncertainties that lie ahead, coupled with many social issues which Singapore has to grapple with, it is crucial that our 4^th generation leaders make every effort to stay connected to the ground to fully understand valid concerns, anxieties and sentiments from all Singaporeans.  

 

It is not just selecting a new leader to spearhead the team, but what is equally or more important is for the people to be able to relate well to the next PM and his team.

 

Mingling with citizens from all walks of life on a regular basis will pave the way for constructive feedback and a healthy exchange of ideas.  For active citizenry will help the government of the day to resolve problems, sometimes with gems of ideas surfacing. It is a known fact that no government can solve all problems, but with a fair exchange of ideas and suggestions from its citizens, including those from the opposition wards, Singapore has an excellent chance of making our home the best home to live in.

 

Our leaders seem to focus too much on economic growth. While economic growth is important, too fast a growth for a small country like Singapore can soon lead to a saturation point– as history has taught us in the rise and fall of countries.

 

Leaders have to go down to the ground to fully understand the real difficulties people face that includes bread and butter issues and the high cost of living. Politicians meeting residents in their homes should not just be restricted during the run-up to the General Elections, but has to be on-going.  And all ministers and MPs must be approachable and humble and so for their grassroots leaders,

 

I still recall the wisdom of former Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong who advised elected PAP MPs to ‘be humble in victory’. 

Let’s take a leaf from some of our ASEAN leaders who, while adopting a non-nonsense attitude, are still able to enjoy tremendous support as they have much love for their citizens and always stay closely connected to the man in the street.

In early January 2016, the Sultan of Johor, Sultan Ibrahim Sultan Iskandar, made a surprise visit to Muar and joined the people there for breakfast at a restaurant where he spent an hour chatting with the people.

With Indonesia having a relatively large and rapidly growing youth population President Widodo has seized the opportunity to reach out to the youth through social media.  Seeing the importance of connecting with his people, the Indonesian President has even enjoyed a lunch with many of them.

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte also makes it a point to meet up with his people, both within his country and outside the Philippines.

However, meeting residents should not just be another PR exercise, but it should be a concerted effort to ensure that the needs of the people who elected the MPs are met at all times.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Raymond Anthony Fernando

Article for Awaken magazine: Artificial Intelligence: Will robots replace human beings?

Dear all,

This is the next BIG thing and one that is set to stay. I have written this article for the Buddhist Temple’s newsletter AWAKEN – for the month of January 2018, and with their permission hereby reproduce the said piece.  The newsletter reaches out to 10,000 Buddhists.

Happy reading, folks.

Sincerely,

Raymond Anthony Fernando

 

Article for Awaken magazine:  Artificial Intelligence: Will robots replace human beings?

The digital world, a smart nation, the emergence of machines that are programmed to think and act like human beings. That’s what’s in store in the new era.  But are moving too fast and furious towards Artificial Intelligence or AI for short?

Exactly what is AI?  John McCarthy, the father of AI puts it plain and simple: Artificial Intelligence is the science and engineering of making intelligent machines, especially intelligent computer programs.

Have you ever imagined that robots could take on the role of human beings in food courts by doing the work of contract cleaners who clear trays after diners finish their meals? 

Well, that day has arrived! Two new food courts, Happy Hawkers in Tampines and FoodTastic in Choa Chu Kang, have introduced a host of technologically-driven robots who can do the job of cleaning contractors, many of whom are senior citizens.

The objective is to allow customers to enjoy a unique dining experience that will not only allow a faster and easier way to order their meals, and hopefully put an end to a long waiting time to search for a table.

Singapore is set to become a smart nation with technological advances such as cashless transport rides and paying for meals and other services with the use of smart handphones.

In the very near future, our Lion City will see the arrival of self-driven electric cars.  How will our citizens adapt to this change when they are so used to be driven around in taxis, public buses or the MRT where there are people currently driving these?

A study in the US revealed that there will be 200 million fewer cars on the road in America by 2030 once electric cars take to the streets. Once the car population is significantly reduced, we can be assured of a polluted-free environment which in turn can help to keep people healthier.

What consumers think of AI

A global study on Artificial Intelligence revealed that while most consumers are upbeat about AI as there are much benefits which comes with this new technology, there are also fears and confusion from some quarters on how business can grow with the implementation of AI.

Despite, some valid concerns, we need to embrace AI or we will lag behind as most developed countries will take the AI route where cost savings and a cleaner healthier environment will come about.

Will the implementation of AI have an adverse effect on jobs?

AI which can save costs and improve productivity can also affect the livelihood of workers who depend on work to earn a steady income. For example, cleaners may lose their jobs as robots can be programme to clear trays and clean floors. 

Once electric cars drive around, car dealers, auto insurers and motor car repair workshops will be out of business and those in these fields will not be able to provide for themselves and their families. 

Are robots able to be sensitive to the feelings of human beings?

All too soon, robots will also be involved in healthcare, assisting patients in hospitals and nursing homes where some of the daily needs of patients such as bathing, serving meals and related matters have to be met.

But unlike the personal touch where the human touch of nurses and personalised communication is crucial to the full recovery of the sick, robots will not be in a better position to take on this role.  More so if any patient is struggling to cope with psychological or stress-related issues.

In addition, will robots be able to be sensitive to race and religion when human beings are educated and trained to do so?

 

Raymond Anthony Fernando

 

 

Raymond A Fernando's letter to The Strait Times: Be open to talking about death

 

My letter to The Strait Times, the very first one for this year (2018) on the above subject is published today, Wednesday 3^rd January 2018.

 

What a great start to a new year to read of the kindness and compassion shown by the Nam Hong Welfare Service Society to reach out to disadvantaged seniors in Yishun and encouraging discussions on death and dying (Seniors get free portraits in bid to lift taboo about death; Jan 1). 

Death, just like mental illness, is often viewed as a taboo subject.

Yet, it is very much a part of life’s journey.

Facing up to the reality of impending death enables relatives to make early and concrete plans to ensure that their dying loved ones pass on with dignity, knowing they were surrounded with love and care before their last breath.

Some areas that require some advanced planning when a loved one is at the last stages of his or her life include preparing an obituary, writing a will, determining the distribution of assets, settling outstanding loans (if any), arranging meetings to put to bed any unresolved issues, taking note of funeral service preferences, etc.

There are hundreds of seniors who live alone and there is a dire need to reach out to them so that when they eventually die, they must never feel unloved and uncared for.

 

Raymond Anthony Fernando

http://www.straitstimes.com/forum/letters-on-the-web/be-open-to-talking-about-death